oo2;; i never make any sense.

sometimes i wonder if i regret moving away. i also wonder if i feel happy here. but the truth is, i feel... numb. i've always felt numb. it's not that i don't have a soul or anything(half-ginger ftw), or that i'm dead inside, i've just always felt this way, ever since i was a little kid. i guess.. i just stopped caring about mainly everything. the only thing i still have faith, passion, and love for is art, and i want to pursue a career in it. i want to become a concept designer, but if somehow that doesn't work out, i want to work until i get my master's in fine arts and maybe teach. i still don't quite know though, since i'm still a kid myself.

i'll get through it somehow. but for now, i should probably focus on my main goal along with refining and practicing my skills until i feel that i'm a damn good artist.

oo1;; why me?

sometimes i wonder in my life why certain things happened to me. like for example, why larry had to pick me out of all children to abuse and rape. or why i got that ulcer. or why my mom put me on birth control when there was nothing wrong with me.
but i know why i got those things.
because my best friend at the time introduced me to him.
because i ate too much, and as a result, gained a lot of weight.
because my mom thought that i was going to become a butch lesbian with the way i dressed.

i still have nightmares of these events.
i have them every single night, and they frighten me to the absolute core of my body.
i'm afraid that i will never return to the bright, cheerful child i once was a very long time ago.

maybe that's why i moved away.
maybe, it's why i'm starting to change for the better, to strive to become that cheerful little girl.
i may never be able to regain that pure innocence, but i can definitely try.
but first, to lose the weight i gained so long ago.